As I entered high school nothing really changed. It was like it was eighth grade all over again. I had a couple of friends, Jacinta, Terri, Gaelene, and Coral. They were my best friends; we did everything together. But out of all of those friends I cherished Jacinta the most. We were two peas in a pod. When I moved here in the eighth grade she was the only one to befriend me and she helped me adjust to a new life.
That fall-break of our freshman year my parents were going out of town so I was to stay with Jacinta, we were going to Dallas, and were going to shop till we dropped! The down side of being best friends with Jacinta was her mother. Her mother was a control freak; she didn’t let her daughter do anything without her. Her daughter was perfect, and if you were not just like her, you were nothing, you never did anything right, and she was going to have to change that. Little did I know that when I went on that trip with them it was going to be a start of a new life.
Jacinta and I continued to be friends through the rest of that school year and on through the summer on to the next year where ever thing started to change. Our sophomore year was my oh so sweet, sweet 16. Well it was suppose to be anyways.
My sweet 16 really stunk, I was suppose to get a big to do but my family ran into some money problems so it ended up being a day at Bricktown ice skating and eating at a Mexican restaurant. But that was ok, I loved to ice-skate so it was going to be fun. But in the end it turned into a disaster. I rode up with my mom but on the way back I rode with Gloria (Jacinta’s mom.) Well I started to get car sick and needed to get something to settle my stomach. Gloria had a huge problem with it because we had just eaten and I didn’t need to eat again. I frankly didn’t care what she thought I was going to do what I knew was best for me and I told her that, which was a huge mistake because little did I know later would cause me to lose a friend. We stopped after much fussing and I went into McDonalds and got a plain hamburger.
Back in the car Gloria said she was “ appalled”, and said that she was “going to have to have a little talk with my mother about my attitude.” She said that was “no way to speak to an adult.” At that point I didn’t know what was going to happen, my mother and I had been fighting for quite some time and I didn’t know how she was going to take the news. To my surprise my took my side, and told Gloria that she raised her children to speak their mind if in any way it would help them. I felt like they argued for hours on end about me and how I was horrible and needed more discipline in my life. I felt so bad to put my mother through that, I never wanted her to encounter something like that, but she did and in the end we would have a better relationship because of it. I don’t blame her for the outcome of the situation, but I do with all my heart that sometimes the whole parties involved would have handled it differently, but it was too late.
When we went back to school after our chaotic weekend I felt something was wrong between Jacinta and me. She was avoiding me, and trying to keep herself busy so she didn’t have to tell me what was wrong. Finally I cornered her, and said I wanted to know what was going on so we can fix whatever it is and go on.
What she told me was totally unexpected. She told me that her mom no longer wanted her to be friends with me anymore. I could not believe what just happened. I just lost my best friend.
It hurt for a few days but I got over it. I still had Coral, and Gaelene, and they were great, well at least for a couple of weeks, but I got a feeling that something was up. I could feel the tension that was between us. They wanted to know what happened between Jacinta and I, and I was not ready to talk about it. I hated making them choose between us. What was I to do? Well Jacinta was ready to talk about it, and so she told them what happened. A few weeks after my sweet 16, I was friendless.
I went to lunch by myself; I went everywhere by myself. It hurt so bad, I didn’t want to do anything; I didn’t want to go to school or go to work. I just wanted to lay in bed and watch T.V., or read a book, or just stare off in space and think about what had happened over the course of a few weeks. I tread through all of the mess, I went to lunch at my Uncle’s house just to have someone to talk to, and went to work, because at least I could talk to people, and keep myself busy. Bust school was hard, my grades kept dropping,and I just could not focus. I kept wishing, and making up excuses to go home so I wouldn’t have to see their faces in the halls.
When you’re in high school they already have their little cliques and they aren’t really prone to meet new people and let people into their groups. Plus when I was friends with Jacinta I kind of pissed a bunch of people off. It was like we were rude to them in a nonchalant sort of way. So no one really wanted to be my friend. At the end of the year I was happy to see it go. Summer would be better; I could make new friends and not have to worry about what anyone thought. Well that was until August any ways, where my second down fall of that year happened. My great grandma died at age 92. I was completely devastated; she was my best friend, I could tell her anything, and everything. Her death came as a shock to everyone, but affected me the most. I was not just losing some one really close, but some one that helped me grow into the person I am. My mother was really worried about me along with everyone else in my family; they had no idea what was going to happen to me. For a long time I distanced myself from everyone, I wanted nothing to do with anyone, I blamed my mother at the time because I never got to say goodbye.
The Wednesday before she died, she went into the hospital complaining of chest pains. My grandfather called my aunt, who started the phone chain letting everyone know what was going on. Nothing was really the matter, she just was not feeling well, and so my mom didn’t think that there was no need to worry me about something that needed no worry. She just went in complaining of chest pains and her home health nurse felt like she needed to be checked out. Wednesday night my grandma made a turn for the worse. One of her lungs collapsed and the other one was full of fluid. They didn’t know how long she was going to last. My mom came home early Thursday, which she doesn’t do very often unless something is wrong. She told me that we were going to Purcell to visit grandma; she told the rest of the kids what was going on but felt it was for the best if they stayed home. It was going to be really difficult to handle. When I arrived to the hospital my grandma was barely breathing, and was not even conscious. I was so scared to touch her; I was like it was a bad dream that I could not wake up from. My grandma had always been there for me and now she was dying; I had a crisis o my hands, I needed her, and she was not there to help. What was I going to do? Finally I got up enough courage to hold her hand and tell her that I love her, but it was not enough for me. I want to lay with her, have her rub my back like when I was a kid and tell me that everything was going to be ok. But I couldn’t. I had to go to work. I was working the late shift at Burger King and I had to be there at 11. My mom told me that if anything happened they would call me down there but we had to go or I was going to be late. When I got to work I found out that I could have stayed there because I could not work the late shift because I was not 18. They tried to get a hold of me but since I was in the hospital I didn’t get their call. On the way home I had a feeling that something was going to happen with my grandma. I prayed to the Lord that if he could just let her stay alive I would be so grateful; right now I needed my best friend, I needed the only person I could really talk to that helped me understand, and find good in a horrible problem. When I got home I knew that something was wrong. My mom’s car was not in the drive-way; I immediately got my cell-phone out and called my mom as I pulled out of the drive way. My mom never answers her phone; she either leaves it at the house of forgets it in the car. Either way I have wasted time and call my dad’s phone. As I am getting on the access road to I-35, I get a hold of my mom. I asked her what’s going on and told her I am on my way. My mom said she was so sorry, but I didn’t need to go. My grandma had already passed away, and they were just waiting to take her away. I didn’t know what to do, where to go. I didn’t want to go home, but I had nowhere else to turn. All I could do was pull over and cry. I needed my grandma, but she died. My mom would tell me that it would be okay, and it wasn’t going to be ok. I now didn’t have a soul in the world; I lost all of my best friends a few months ago, and I didn’t even get to tell my grandma about it. I was so caught up in my pain that I didn’t even realize that later on I would lose the one person that meant everything to me. At two o’clock in the morning I realized that I didn’t have a friend to turn to, not a soul in the world. I had lost all of my best friends Jacinta to her mom, Coral and Gaelene to Jacinta and Terri to her new boyfriend Max. I didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t know what to do, so I went back to work, and I cried and I cried and I cried, I cried till I couldn’t cry anymore.
When I got home around 6 in the morning my mom was still not home. I called her and told her I was home, and she didn’t need to bother waking me up. I wanted nothing to do with her. She lied to me and I would never forgive her for what she did. Still to this day I feel like if she would have told me on Wednesday I could have said goodbye, and help get the closure that I needed. But she is my mother, and regardless of what she decided to do I love her; she raised me for 16 years I could not just talk to her.
So life went on. We had her funeral and I still would not talk to her, I would not even let my mother comfort her hurting child liken she so longed to do. I was still mad and I wanted her to hurt like I hurt. At my grandma’s remembrance party, or wake, or whatever you want to call it, I wanted nothing to do with it. It was suppose to be about remembering her, my grandma, the one that died. Not about the week that their family went to the lake or whatever they were talking about. I needed to get out of there for a walk; I didn’t tell anyone that I was leaving. I didn’t know where I was going to go, but I knew that I couldn’t stay there; it hurt too much. It was dangerous but I didn’t care I wanted them to worry; to feel the hurt that I was feeling. I didn’t want anyone to laugh, I wanted them to cry like I was crying. I decided that a walk would not be enough I wanted something that could get me in a lot of trouble so I got in my aunts car and stole one of her cigarettes, and left. I walked to a swimming pool that my grandma took me to when I was a little girl. I sat on the bench and cried alone. I couldn’t believe I let something so personal get between my grandma and me. She was gone; that my family was so messed up it took someone dying to bring us all together. I don’t know how long I sat there, but I knew it was for a long time, because my cousin walked up to me and said that everyone is looking for me, so I better get back up there. That moment sitting there on the bench in front of the swimming pool, I realized that this was not goodbye to my grandma but a see you later. I was going to miss her, but I knew one day I would get to see her again. So I said to the sky above that I love you grandma, and I know you will watch after me, be my guardian angel, and I know that you love me too, and I said “goodbye” or see you later. Finally I got my closure I needed, and I could go on. I realized it was not my mother’s fault that my grandma died, and she only did what she thought was best. This day would be the day that my mother’s and my relationship would change forever. From this day forward I would be able to tell her everything and she would be my new support group, and she would be there for me like my grandma was. I ran all the way back to my Uncle John’s house and gave my mom a long hug. This was going to be the start of a very new life and I was going to embrace it like my grandma would want me to. No matter what happens in life I know that my mom will always be there on my side, and she showed me that over this past year. I love her dearly and am glad she stuck with me through it all.
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